The Complete Guide to Caring for Boxer Goblins
Listen, buddy, we came here to chew gum and take care of nutts, and we’re all out of gum.
The boys need all the help they can get—they steam up pants, stick to thighs, get squashed and chafed and hardly ever get to swing freely around in the cool night air. (Maybe that old guy blow-drying his sack in the locker room was onto something, come to think of it.)
But at Tame the Beast, our products really shine where the sun… don’t. In fact, we have so many options for pampering your plums that we thought you might like a little cheat sheet about what to use, when:
Tingle Factor: light
Use: anti-chafing, cooling, softening, moisturizing
Scent: eucalyptus musk
Key Ingredients: jojoba, shea, cocoa, eucalyptus, vitamin E
Mission Statement: "Reward yourself for being an adult."
Tingle Factor: medium
Use: anti-chafing, cooling, softening, absorbing moisture
Scent: Beast Blue™
Key Ingredients: tapioca, corn starch, organic aloe, oats, vitamin E
Mission Statement: "Banish the batwing, boys."
Tingle Factor: high to extreme. 69,000 BTUs (Beast Tingle Units).
Use: anti-chafing, awakening, levitating when you sit criss-cross-applesauce
Scent: menthol eucalyptus musk
Key Ingredients: cocoa, eucalyptus, and lots of menthol
Mission Statement: "Aaa-OOOO-ga!”
Tingle Factor: light to medium (varies by flavor)
Use: affectionate sharing
Flavors: Peppermintini, Aloe Fresca, Vanilla Manuka Honey
Key Ingredients: organic food-grade aloe and flavor
Mission Statement: "Put the 'man' in 'romance'—but stay pH-balanced to play nicely with anyone’s Down There."
Tingle Factor: light to medium
Use: drying, cooling
Scent: Beast Blue™
Key Ingredients: talc-free with corn starch, green tea, menthol, cucumber, hemp
Mission Statement: “Pardon me while I powder my bros.”
See the full suite of Down-There Care here.