Top 10 Ways to Beat Blue Balls

Blue balls.

Also known as epididymal hypertension, if you’re feeling scientific.

A man's balls

It’s that achy feeling your boys get when they thought something delightful was going to happen and then, as Salt ‘n Pepa so succinctly put it, pow—bang—zoom. Nothing. 

Blue balls are an unfortunate fact of life for people with testicles, but there are ways to get relief—or at least to get through the discomfort more quickly.

(We’ll go ahead and state for the record that no matter how blue his balls were, no self-respecting Beast would ever pressure someone to get busy if the other person didn’t want to, or changed their mind, or didn’t seem 100% all in. Consent is hot.)

Here are the top 10 ways you can fight the battle of the bulge (in your pants):

10. Do math. Count to 203 by 7s, or perform whatever other mildly absorbing mental task you like to take your mind off your manhood.

9. Think unsexy thoughts. Watch a Dr. Pimple Popper video or muse about the inevitable heat death of the universe. Someone we know used to repeat the mantra “Grandma on the toilet” when he was trying to deflate a boner, but that might only make things worse for some of you pervs.

8. Tweeze one of your nose hairs. You’ll forget about your other problems, we promise.

7. Work out. A series of crunches, jumping jacks, and pushups (if your anatomy will allow you to get that close to the ground) should move the blood out of your nether bits and into more productive areas.

6. Stand on your head. For the same reason exercise works, standing on your head could redirect your blood flow. Just make sure you’re someplace private when you try this. The last thing you need is your roommate checking in on you and getting poked in the eye.

5. Get into the groove. Put on your favorite music and let yourself get swept away from the bone zone.

4. Put them on ice. The cold from an ice pack will constrict your blood vessels, forcing the blood back into less troublesome parts of your body.

3. Lift something heavy (and we don’t mean your danglers). Lifting a heavy object can cause something called the Valsalva Maneuver, which decreases the blood pressure in your junk.

2. Wait. If you’re not in a position where you can do any of the above (or our favorite method, below), the feeling will ease within about an hour.

1. Take matters into your own hands. An orgasm is the best medicine, but of course you already knew that. Treat yourself to the tingle of Nutt Butter to add a festive note to the proceedings. Click here to make sure you’re stocked up for your next solo fun time!

Get Wild with Tame the Beast